just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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