i just had sex bonerless
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We got so high we made milksteak
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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