Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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