They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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