i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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