How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
