Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
