Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
