I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
