I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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