how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
