O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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