i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
