Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
