Don't make out with my wife yet
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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