One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
