Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
