seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
