Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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