I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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