Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
