What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
