Having a random hookup so left but love u
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
