I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
