Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
