Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Can you bring me the toilet please
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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