it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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