i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
