I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
