How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
