Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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