Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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