I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My first STD was from a foam party
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Randomize
