My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
