I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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