cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
