Banned from zoo.
Again?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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