He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
