You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
