Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
