Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
