My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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