foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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