Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
