Ambien. No doubt about it.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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