My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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