just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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