I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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