so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
