dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
