i permit you to call me
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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