You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Your topless pictures make me question reality
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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