i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
