It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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