Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
