come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I hope mine doesn't look like that
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize