Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
